I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
