Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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