My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
