so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
where does the pee come out of this thing
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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