I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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