There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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