i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
