just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
