Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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