I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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