my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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