Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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