I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize