Duck Duck Cougar?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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