She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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