I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
