i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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