i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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