Your face is a jimmy john
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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