I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
