And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
