It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Panties = found
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
