i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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