community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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