I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
