my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
