I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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