U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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