fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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