I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
