Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
