I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
