yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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