I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
