They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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