I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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