It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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