I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My balls are so social today.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
