Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
