i was born a porn star she said
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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