I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
