i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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