literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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