My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
