Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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