I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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