somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
