I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
that's an acceptable place to lick
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
