She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
