Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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