My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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