Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
