Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
