i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
