apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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