quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
