The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
