I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
