OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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